A tough time

There is a lot of sadness going around my greater community.
Just recently I learned of an acquaintance who lost her younger brother-in-law to heat stroke. He was only 19.
Friends from our congregation are dealing with stage IV stomach cancer & chemo treatments.
A good family friend's aunt is in her final days battling breast cancer & liver failure.  She is a very special woman, and I've only interacted with her a few times, but those interactions gave me pause, thinking, what did I do to deserve such special treatment from her?  I think that's just the way she is.
And a young newlywed couple just found out that the husband has an inoperable malignant brain tumor.  They've been married just shy of two months.
When does it stop? And that's not even touching on local or national news.

I guess the hard part of being a grown-up is realizing that it doesn't stop.  The world, somehow, keeps turning, and each day we breathe in and out as these lives just slip through our hands.  I still cannot fathom how one minute a person can be here, and the next minute, that person is gone.  As a 30 year old I still grapple with the finality of it.  As a christian, I know there are eternal purposes.  I know their soul still exists, and I know somehow somewhere a piece of them is still operating, manifesting.  But it doesn't mean that for the rest of us here on earth, that the hard news, is any easier to swallow.  It still hurts.

I wish I had some enlightened thought here, but I really don't.  All I know is:

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. James 1:17

gifts from above

God does not change (thank you, God!!) The days we have with our loved ones are gifts.  The loved ones are gifts.  The hugs we get from our friends.  The teachings we receive from the older, wiser. The food we eat.  The "American dreams" we live...if any of it is good, it's from the Father above.
So I'm leaving this part of the day a little depressed, a little thankful, and a lot contemplative.  My heart goes out to all those hurting and I pray there is comfort for these families soon.

Growing into The Mommy Life

A couple of weeks ago I ran into a former acquaintance from FC and while we were talking, she paused and asked me, "So, tell me, do you love being a mom?" and for the first time in a while I didn't hesitate to say, "Yes, I do!" I still have problems admitting that at times; there's an internal fight with the Megan of yesteryear and the Megan that I am today.  You see, it wasn't so long ago I didn't think mothering would be in the cards for me...

When I look back at my youth, I sometimes think I thought too much and I thought about all the things moms "have" to do, and to be honest, I looked at my own mom's life and thought, "Wow, everyday, it's the same thing." Not that my mom didn't do it joyfully, because to be honest, I never really saw her complain.  But it was up in the morning, getting the kids going, cleaning up the kitchen, doing laundry, paying bills, running errands, shuffling kids (I guess since we were all spaced out it wasn't always all 4 of us at once!), making dinner, cleaning the kitchen again and if she was lucky, sitting down for a minute.  As a feeble-minded youth, I just didn't see the fun in it.  And of course, I was selfish. More of self, and less of Thee.  I was immature.

And then (I know I talk about it frequently but to blog is semi-therapeutic and I'm constantly reevaluating this, since it's been the biggest catalyst in my life for change), after I realized there are a few good men out there--aside from family members and good-friends-who-were-boys that I just couldn't fathom settling down with--and Providence landed me with Greg, I figured we had a few more years before the childbearing began.  Hahahahahahaha.  God really laughed at that plan, just as he laughed at my plan to finish my grad school internship right after we got married so that we would only be a single-income family for about one college semester.  Looking back I figured there was a purpose for that setback, to not be in school full-time, or not be interning, or not be earning any real money.  I didn't know when I'd realize it or when I'd figure it out and I still don't know if I fully understand it all, but it taught me one thing.  My timing isn't always God's timing, even if it stinks.
Of course, when I did finally graduate, and got a job, and then almost immediately got pregnant, I think I really felt out-of-control.  The best laid plans oft go awry.  Could that not be a life statement for most of us??

When we lose our locus-of-control, often our "happiness" or internal contentment diminishes.  And this is what I think about often.  I didn't immediately enjoy motherhood because I wasn't prepared for it. I didn't think it was in the cards in the short-term future.  I was not in control.  I was not willing to accept what I thought I'd be giving up.  And do you know how hard that is to admit?  Aren't young Christian women supposed to yearn for the call of motherhood? Is it considered selfish to not desire that role instinctively or immediately?  Well at least for me, those instincts hadn't kicked on just yet.  It had nothing to do with my own mom or other mothers around me, yet I felt guilty for feeling that way, like I was offending their being.  Before we got married and talked about kids, I figured the desire to be a mom would grow the longer we were married.

And in the middle of all that, Mia was born, and her birth was great, really really great.  There's not a single thing I would change about that.  When I reflect on it, it was such a serene, peaceful and beautiful day when my world was literally rocked.  The day I became a mother.
But I can't change what all happened after that.  It was rough. Really really rough.  And having Gabe's birth experience and the days thereafter to compare with Mia's, I realize just how different things could have been, but weren't. I realize now why I wasn't immediately happy as a new mom.  I unfortunately had some lingering baby blues.  So, when you're asked that infamous question, "Don't you loooove being a mom?", I almost resented it.  How could you ask me that??  It hurt.  She's small. I feel guilty.  I can't figure out this breastfeeding thing. I feel guilty. I keep getting sick. Why won't I get better? And I have a blood clot. What's wrong with me?  Pounding. Pounding. Pounding.

It gave me little chance to bond with a tiny, precious baby girl who is growing up into a delightful, strong child.  And I just didn't know how to be.
Finally, though, I got back some sense of control.  I found some purpose and I found some structure.  I found a community, and God gave me a group of people with whom I could work along side and feel productive. I felt useful, even if I was in a totally different role than I'd planned.  And to this day, it is still a little embarrassing to admit all those feelings that I had, but as a former counselor, I know you need to honor those feelings, or at least let them pass through, many times in order to move on.  You don't have to act on the feelings and actually BE selfish toward your child, or drop your responsibilities and walk away, but you can acknowledge them, have your peace, and move on.  And that's what I'm doing. Which is why I think I am enjoying the mommy life.  It is the toughest, highest calling I've ever known.  But these two munchkins are my arrows that will eventually be getting ready to launch, and just as God does a work in me, I have a work to do in them.

Let me do right by them. 

Life...as a family of 4.

Every time I have a moment to sit down and think about blogging, my mind essentially turns to mush. I had so much to organize and keep track of before Gabe was born and life seemed really interesting (to me, at least) with all that I had going on, and now life has simplified down to the bare necessities: are we all fed? Do we have clean clothes? Is the dishwasher unloaded, or running? Have I bathed recently?  Perhaps I make it all sound like we're in a crazy mad dash all the time, which we're not, but I've had far less time to just sit down and twiddle my thumbs.  For which I do not complain. I know in time, God willing, that personal free time will return. And I'll take what I can get, when I can get it.

3 weeks in with Mr. Gabe and life's been pretty good to us so far.  None of the rough starts that afflicted us with Mia have been present with Gabe, bless them hearts.  Gabe's only concern so far was slightly elevated bilirubin levels (threatening us with jaundice) right after he was born, which kept us all in the hospital about 2 extra days.  The mixed blessing in that was that I received extra lactation help, which has made a world of difference this time around when it comes to breastfeeding.  I struggled so much with that in the beginning with Mia, which led to my decision to exclusively pump for her.  I've not even touched a pump in over a week with Gabe, which has felt really nice.  There are times when I wish I could just hand him over to Greg and he give him a bottle so I could get a little more sleep in the middle of the night, but in some cases it's not worth the effort to go through all of that.  We're still working through the first few weeks of nursing, but all in all, we're very much off to a better start, for which I'm super thankful.

sleep: it's mostly what he do

Because that is going as it is, and we're not using bottles, in some ways I feel like I'm dealing with a newborn for the first time.  I often wonder--is he fully content and fed? Does he need me? Is he sleeping right now because he's full, or is he just taking a little break? With Mia, we gave her a bottle with approximate amounts based on what she seemed to need to consume, and that was that. There was very little question as to if she was full/hungry; anytime she cried hard we gave her a bottle and up she went gaining weight! And generally speaking, she'd go back to sleep with a little prompting.

Sleepwise, it is what it is.  Some nights are certainly better than others. He could sleep soundly all day quite easily, and tends to right now, feeding every 2-4 hrs, but at night, he is still figuring out how to consistently sleep longer stretches.  Let's just say I'm thankful it's a holiday weekend because with Greg home, I'm allowed to go back to sleep for another hour or two after Gabe wakes up for a morning feed, while he hangs with Mia.  During the week I do not have that luxury.

And speaking of luxuries, my mom was in town for the first week and a half that Gabe was home, and that made such a world of difference. I don't know how people survive without their families, communities, villages or tribes (whatever you want to call it).  I cannot fathom having a child without having the help of someone you inherently trust to assist you with the nitty gritty.  (This includes Greg as well, and those friends of mine who have *blessedly* seen me in unusually compromising positions! *points to certain hospital visitors*)

Mommo & Gabe

For essentially the first week and a half, Mia was taken care of, fed, bathed, napped, and entertained by either Greg or my mom. I was instructed not to lift her the first 2.5 weeks, which I was not expecting to hear!  It was emotionally hard to not be able to deal with Mia at certain times especially when she wanted mommy, but I was so thankful to have others around to attend to the situation and keep things rolling, keeping my stress levels low.

My parents were in town part of this week for Thanksgiving, so my mom went home and essentially turned around 5 days later, meaning I only had to be totally on my own for 3 weekdays.  It was not as rough an intro to life with 2 kids as I'd been fearing.  However, next week when everybody is gone, including Greg's parents, I might feel otherwise.  It'll be 5 straight days on my own!  That, my friends, seems a little bit scarier!

The most challenging parts of the day are usually at feeding times, when Mia all of a sudden wants mommy to hold her; naptime, if I'm not sure if Gabe is totally out and asleep and I'm trying to get Mia down; and right after naptime, when Mia tends to wake up as I'm feeding Gabe.  I think it's probably hard for her to often see mommy consumed by another baby, but right now, so much of my time is spent sitting in a chair "eating" Gabe (that's what Mia says instead of "feeding."  "Mommy, you eating Gabe?"  "Yes, I'm 'feeding' him.")

loving on her baby brother

Mia loves Gabe though, wants to hold him, burp him, give him his pacifier, and talk and play with him. She received a new Signing Time DVD this past week (about going to the potty! *thinking positive thoughts here*) and it showed some signs she already knew and she started putting Gabe's hands to his mouth to sign "eat".  It was so cute and I love that she already wants to get him involved in everything.  If she puts up a fight about anything, it's just about the attention she is not receiving 100% of from mommy and daddy anymore.


Before Gabe was born, I had a lot of concerns. I was nervous about his health, my health, his delivery, the postpartum period, dealing with all the changes that occur after one gives birth, and how I'd feel by Thanksgiving. I'm happy to say that many of my concerns were relieved as soon as he was born and things started moving on "normally." I'm happy to be normal in this case, for once, and not at any extremes.  I still have much ground to break when it comes to mothering two children, and getting into a groove with Gabriel and Mia, so I shant count my chickens before they've hatched, but I'm so grateful to God and to my tribe for seeing us through the first three weeks.  Yesterday we were able to celebrate Thanksgiving with both sides of the family including both sets of grandparents and nothing but good times accompanied our gatherings.  With Mia, I was very much of a Nervous Nelly for those first few weeks.  I figure that's probably a common first-time mom feeling and there's nothing I can do to change the past, but it makes me realize now how nice it is to just let things be and live in the moment, and not worry about every detail of the next 3 hours.  Just breathing is nice.

And now that Gabe is stirring, that's my cue.  Here a few pictures of Gabe meeting his other family members over the past week!

Gabe & Papa Jack

Gabe with Nana & Granddad

Sneaking in a picture of Mia with Uncle Jackson

Uncle Jackson & Gabe

Gabe happily asleep with Mommo & Papa Jack

Feeling the change

You'll have to excuse me if the next several posts are baby-related.  It's just where I am, and it's hard almost to think about anything else.  Getting ready for a baby is just one of the most life-changing things.  All these moments of preparation leading up to his arrival and the one day he's here, and you never go back to that side of life pre-baby again.  You just keep moving on.  Almost every day with Mia now I look at her and realize soon she won't be the only one.  There'll be one more.  I put her to bed tonight (usually Greg does but he was gone) and as I held her in the dark quiet room, I realized soon she won't be the only little person for whom I do this.  I also realized...I won't be sleeping quite as much anymore but let's not talk about that.  That's one aspect of new parenthood that can be quite hard to overcome but I think knowing it's coming and that I can cope (and that it "doesn't last forever") will help during the exhausting stages/phases.
I'm excited, I'm anxious, I'm overwhelmed (there's still so much to do!!).  And I might partially be in denial.

I had my 34 week appointment earlier in the week with a new-to-us doctor.  So far I'd met 5 out of the 8 doctors that deliver in my OB/GYN group and on Tuesday, we met the 6th.  We first had an appointment in sonography for another growth scan.  Little guy's looking good and is still on track.  I was a little anxious when they said his percentile had gone down a bit, but when we met with the doctor and they said they only really get concerned when the percentile is below the tenth, I really eased up.  (He's in the middle third of the bell curve, for what its worth.)
Back to the doctor, though...from all outside appearances, and by the amount of time we had spent waiting to see this doctor in the waiting room, Greg & I had lost hope of much of an exciting appointment.  Whether we want to admit it or not (and now I'll go on and admit it!), we make judgments based on appearances and this doctor was old, wiry-looking, and have a few funny mannerisms.  I didn't think he'd be very friendly.

However, he shook my hand, sat down, acknowledged this was our first meeting, greeted Greg, and then for the next 20-30 minutes, sort of explained how their practice works, made comparisons between now and 30 years ago (yeah, I guess he's been around that long!), explained what they do now for people of my situation, and what we could expect.  He really laid out the big picture for us, which I sort of had been missing the whole time, including things like why I have not seen a midwife for this pregnancy when they have midwives in the group (my risk level cancels me out from seeing them), and who I'll see on call, and how they figure out what the plan is for peeps like me and what all the additional monitorings really mean.  He was also warmly funny, making jokes about different things here and there and including Greg.
We left feeling very at ease and like he completely erased our preconceptions and as if it'd totally be okay if he delivered our baby when the time comes.

So, the plan is, weekly biophysical profiles until I deliver, and another growth scan in 4 weeks.  I was pleasantly surprised when he said they'd induce at 41 weeks, because I just assumed because of my Lovenox status they'd want to induce earlier, which would not be my preference unless medically indicated.  I'm hopeful and expectant and confident that God will send this baby down at the right time when he needs to come, and while he may not be 3 days early like Mia was, I trust God's timing.

I want to write more, but this is getting lengthy and there are a million other things I could do, so I'll conclude with a few pictures of the bambino for now!  Who is this guy?  And what will he be like??

Mia is learning

Mia goes to a 2 year old bible class twice a week at our church and has been a part of a class since she was 9,10 months old. We've loved taking her and watching her learn and develop.  She often sings songs that we figure must've come from bible class because we don't know every single one of them.

Last night I heard her saying something on the way home from dinner and I listened more closely to realize she was saying a little ditty I have said in the 5 year old class before.  It goes like this:
"The Bible has two parts: the Old Testament and the New Testament.
Put them together, and it's God's word ... for me, and for you!"
There are hand movements involved as well to help create add a physical and visual dynamic to it and the kids always remember it.

We asked her to repeat it a few times and I caught it on video.  Before enjoying this 21 second video, I'd suggest pausing the audio player on the right!

Enjoy:

Humbled.

Ever had one of those moments when someone is talking to you and it feels like they can see your soul??  Greg and I have joked about this phenomenon before, although in reality, when it is actually happening, it doesn't feel so light-hearted and jovial. It's a tad scary.

Today I had one such phenomenon while in church.  I won't recount all of the events, but let's just say for all the times I daydream at church (I'll be honest, it happens quite often), I'm so glad I was listening today.

Our first prayer during worship this morning was beautiful.  The prayer included some very timely thoughts about all the newborns that have been born these past few months, and the orator prayed for the babies yet to come, and for those who are parents or who would like to be parents, but haven't had the opportunity because of miscarriage or some other situation.  He asked that we never disparage parenting and the miracles with which we are entrusted.    

Needless to say, I felt convicted in light of my last post.  Sheepishly I wondered, "Did [TG] read my blog??"  As soon as he said those words I knew I needed to remember those thoughts & to never cavalierly put down those greater aspects of parenthood, motherhood, or raising children to the extent that I make it seem like, "I could do without this," or, "I think I'm good. I don't need any more help."  I still think the main ideas in the post hold true and aren't unspiritual to relay, but I didn't want to communicate it in a way that led people to believe I thought all this stuff was "below me".

I tried to connect it with a topic discussed in bible study the hour before.  The two seemingly disparate concepts of "grief in all kinds of trials" and "rejoicing" (1 Peter 1:6) seem difficult to weave together.  Joy with grief? And trials?? But one student (SLS) brilliantly shared that when we are going through trials, the neat thing we can see and rejoice about is seeing God at work during those trials and at work in YOU.  You can rejoice through the trials because you can see all the amazing things God is really actually doing.

SO, in an effort to refocus the 'tude...let me just say what I'd really like to say is: I do not intend to disparage parenting.  Some things as I've alluded to many a time feel MUCH like a trial.  I mean, let's just call it what it is: a trial.  And I hope I wasn't discouraging about it. I hope I haven't made it seem like, "Lord, I could do without these trials, or these little children who 'get in my way,'" because that's definitely not how I see it.  I will say, however, that I have seen God at work during my trials and just as I am humbled today, I was humbled then too.  I've never felt as unworthy of his grace as I have in the past 2+ years.  Why God continues to share his grace with me when I'm indifferent, apathetic or just disobedient is beyond me.  But God knows me and cares for me and that is definitely something worth rejoicing over!