William's Birth Story (baby #3)

Apparently I started writing this birth story one week after Will's birth and only got up to the part where the first contractions started. Then I stopped writing it. My guess is, either the baby had woken up, another kid needed something, or I decided to catch some z's. Either way, I've verbally shared the story with enough people (or texted it out to curious friends), that I think we'll be able to fill in the gaps! 

Here's the no-holds bar story of Will's birth:

September 9 with pretty much ZILCH activity to speak of

My estimated due date was September 9, 2015. Based on my other two children’s arrival times, I anticipated having this baby anywhere from the end of August up through the due date, but definitely not after!! However, I should have known babies have their own plans. :) 

The weekend leading up to his birth was not necessarily ideal. Gabe, age 3 at the time, unfortunately came down with a really tight case of croup, which wouldn’t let up after a couple of nights. On Saturday, we took him to Urgent Care to be assessed and it was determined he needed some breathing treatments and some steroids (not our favorite, but it was bad enough to merit some medical help for croup for the first time ever). The steroids made him a little crazy, and he ended up not even taking a nap that day. That Saturday night, Greg and I had a chat about some last-minute fears related to welcoming another baby into our family (like, will it mess up the good flow we have already with our 6 and 3 year olds? was this a big, colossal mistake?!) and kind of just reviewed where we were at. I know sometimes babies don't come if they sense momma's not in a good mental spot.

We took a very HOT walk around the neighborhood
 Friday afternoon to try and get things going &
get Gabe some Vitamin D

A little while later after that chat, Gabe woke up in an all-out (what I believe, drug-induced) tantrum. It took nearly an hour to calm him down. He was completely out of his mind and not in control at all. Trying to calm him down only made my belly tighten up, and was very emotionally draining, so Greg finally got him back into his bed and lay down with him. I decided by that point (well past 1am) to lay down and try to sleep...finally Greg returned and he laid down too. A few minutes later, around 2:30am, I started sensing real contractions, after I had probably been asleep about 30 minutes. Greg was finally asleep too, and I didn’t want to wake him up yet, because it had already been such a short night of sleep. With my other two labors, I was blessed to have gone into labor after having had a better night’s sleep, and I had been really hoping for that this time around as well, but when the baby is overdue, and you’re READY to give birth, what are you going to do? I digress…

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt...

I was somewhat in denial these contractions were real but laying down was not making them go away, and they only proceeded to get more uncomfortable. I got up and started swaying my hips around, and woke Greg up around 3am. Bless my mom -- she had come down to stay with us, almost two weeks beforehand because I was just sure this baby was going to come earlier like Mia & Gabe had, and no, the baby decided to stay in longer -- but Greg knocked on her door to let her know what was going on as we were about to leave the house. Greg and I gathered what we could for the hospital bag (that was mostly already packed), while I stopped every few minutes to slow down and breathe through a contraction. Greg called our backup doula, and we got in the car around 4:15am. Right before we got in the car, I grabbed a towel, a big bowl, a cup of ice water, and I ate a banana and a granola bar. I wasn’t sure how much time I’d have before actual delivery, and I wanted some energy since it was the middle of the night and I hadn’t eaten in hours, and I grabbed the bowl and towel because I have a history of puking mid-labor and especially while driving! :(

Our hospital for delivery is about 30 minutes away, but in the middle of the night, when you get to cruise on the expressway, we were able to get there super quick! We spotted a couple of deer as we exited our neighborhood and while we drove down the interstate and I remember wondering if/what that meant and how that was kind of cool to see... Right before I began throwing up that banana I had just eaten and the water I just chugged. Greg was a very good sport to not start throwing up himself. That only happened a couple of more times and I very adeptly dumped the waste at a stoplight about 2 blocks away from the hospital. Woohoo!

When we pulled up to the hospital (around 4:45am), which has valet for pregnant women going into labor & delivery, the valet was SOUND asleep. Like, out. Greg slammed the doors on our car a couple of times to get his attention, and he finally stumbled awake and sprung into action like “Oh hey! I’m here, ready to go! Was totally not sleeping!” Except he was. We were wheeled up to L&D where we met our backup doula, Holli, for the very first time. I had talked to her on the phone the Wednesday night prior and she had my birth plan printed out and was ready to go immediately attending to me, even while I was sitting uncomfortably in the wheelchair in triage working through a contraction.

one word: LABOR

It's gettin' REAL

We were wheeled into our triage room, I changed into even a less attractive hospital gown than I wore with Gabe, if that’s possible, and kept working through contractions. I believe they were at least every 4 minutes at this point, if not even faster. We were waiting for a midwife to come check me before we moved me to a room, but the midwife from my practice was in the middle of a delivery. So, instead, I just hung out in the triage room, either on the bed, or on the side of the bed, going through different laboring positions while they did some quick monitoring of the baby too. Holli, our doula, was giving suggestions for different ways to sit, stand or move, and reminding me to breathe baby down and relax my face. I didn’t know it at the time either, but she was snapping some pictures on her camera as well, which I really appreciated after the fact (I think birth photography is awesome!). After probably 45 minutes of hard labor and waiting for a midwife, one of the nurses came back in and said, “She’s still stuck in a delivery; I’ll just go ahead and check you.” She checked and said I was complete with a bulging bag of waters! I’ll never forget the surprise, shock, and delight I feel when I hear the words, “You’re complete.” Knowing it’s go-time is exhilarating and butterfly-inducing all at once. They asked me if I had the urge to push and I said, “Not yet,” but after the next contraction I immediately felt that sensation. They put my saline lock in and were ready to move me to my labor and delivery room. It was around 5:45 or 5:50am at this point.

It's GO time

Because my midwife was still in a delivery, the nurses were trying to figure out who would be able to help me deliver. There was another midwife from another practice available at the hospital that night so they decided to wheel me into one of her rooms. I literally met her for the first time as they wheeled me in and I was about to have another contraction. Her name was Sandy and she asked me how I wanted to push. I had a moment of complete indecision as I had pushed on my back with my legs up with the other kids but I had been basically on all fours this time around, smushing my face into the pillow on the bed. My doula asked if I wanted to squat for pushing, but since I was in a position I couldn’t imagine physically switching myself from, we stayed on all fours and my NEW-to-me midwife told me to push my butt into her hands. For a first meeting, that was a pretty brazen request! She told me to do it again, as I had been a little apprehensive, but after about half a contraction of pushing that way, I finally pushed past the awkward, and started pushing intuitively and aggressively, in my mental zone. It all happened pretty quickly at this point, but after I started really pushing, the baby descended, then in the next contraction, my water broke (which has never happened without intervention/assistance in the past!), which kind of freaked me out!, and then in the next contraction the baby’s head emerged, and finally during the next contraction, the baby was born!!! If you read that fast, just imagine it happening in your body that quickly, because that’s about how it felt. There was such a flurry of activity around me, but I basically had my eyes closed the entire time as I gripped the pillow on my bed for dear life and was utilizing all my other senses to figure out what was going on. Because I was on all fours, I didn’t visually take in my baby until I heard the midwife ask Greg to announce the sex, and Greg checked and said, “It’s a boy!” all excitedly and cheerfully, and they helped me flipped over and gave me the baby immediately. I was still in shock, but so so so relieved and so happy he was here and looked healthy and good :). The time was 6:04am.

Three Words: Newborn Baby Bliss

Our own kids wouldn’t have even been up for the day yet, and we had just had another baby.

They cut the cord after a little while of letting it pulse, and he was on my chest doing skin-to-skin immediately. Because it all happened so quickly, I felt like I was in a whirlwind and my body had a little bit of a hard time calming down. All the hormones rushing through my body gave me the chills/shakes, so the nurses were bringing tons of warm blankets to wrap around me, which felt wonderful as I snuggled our newest little one, who was yet to be officially named.

#WorthIt

After about an hour and a half, they weighed him and he was 6lbs, 12oz, and 19 inches long. He’s our biggest baby and stayed in the longest too: 40 weeks and 4 days. Once he was weighed, I was good to go for a transfer to our postpartum recovery room, and take a nice little morning nap. Mia was born on a Sunday too, like this kid, and it was nice to rest and have some peace and quiet while the rest of the world was waking up or readying themselves for church activities!

The history behind the name

We discussed his name options on and off throughout the morning--despite having announced his birth and healthy arrival to family and friends--he didn’t have a name yet! “William” had been on our list throughout the pregnancy as a potential boy name, but had also been taken off the list once or twice just due to how popular a name it is. However, it’s a classic name, and a family name (it’s interwoven multiple times on both sides of the family), and most directly, is my dad’s middle name and my brother’s middle name, so, William it was! And Thomas was chosen as a biblical name after one of Jesus’ apostles who believed in the resurrected Christ after having been able to examine Jesus’ resurrected body and exclaimed, “My Lord and my God!” (John 20:28). Additionally, Thomas is also a family name as well, after Greg’s deceased grandfather. So, Will’s name is rich with family and biblical history and we announced his name to family and friends in the early afternoon. Thankfully, no one balked at it ;)

A couple of interesting notes about the delivery…

This was my 3rd birth, and my 2nd hospital birth. It went so quickly and even though I didn't have much windup time in terms of labor, I was really thankful for the supportive people involved: Greg, my doula, who handed out copies of my birth plan, my stand-in midwife and my group's midwife who came in later to congratulate me (she had a delivery with a retained placenta)! They all helped things flow quite smoothly.

The doula also used some essential oils during labor to help me not be too nauseated as I had thrown up on the way to the hospital in the car, and she used peppermint on Greg when he got a little light-headed right before I began pushing. He said he recognized the sounds I was making from the other 2 labors and knew pushing and birth were imminent and it was gettin' REAL and he had to go lay down! (Yes, on the floor of the delivery room.) Thankfully the nurses were on it right away and pointed a fan at him, gave him some juice, my doula popped open the peppermint oil and some honey sticks, and he was able to not totally pass out and miss the birth! His favorite part was getting to announce the sex since it had been a surprise. We both got to do skin to skin as well afterward, which is not something he'd done before but we knew we wanted to incorporate. The hospital honored ALL of our wishes and is considered "baby-friendly," and never tried to take away, bathe the baby or push any interventions or procedures we didn't want. In fact, when they wheeled us to our postpartum room I was happy to hear that they only expected baby to feed 4-6x in the first 24 hours and that he'd likely be sleepy (yes, mom and baby both)!! We were able to be discharged after 36 hours, which was also my fastest turn around time too!

Despite the “waiting” for Will, he was worth the wait and be it due to this being our third time around doing this newborn thing, or his nature in general, has been a very easy-going baby! We are so blessed by him and the older kids began loving on him immediately. My mom was able to stay a few more days to help things be in good order before heading back home, and Gabe eventually got over his sad, pitiful croupy cough and life began as a family of five.

Photo by Aubree Clark Photography

Coming up on 12 months...

a sweater for my Caribou mug :)

This week is full of memories for me. It was just a year ago I was getting ready (but didn't know it'd be so soon!) to welcome Gabe into the world.  And I think fall just creates a sense of "good vibes" for everyone.  Even if the leaves don't change very much here, there is a change in the feel outside and everyone, including myself, enjoys the letdown from the constant heat in Florida.  With all the weather changes on the eastern seaboard, it seems we are cooling down over here and everyone's pulling out the sweaters and boots - my kids are no exception.

I've been on the hunt for many things over the past week - items for Gabe's birthday party, halloween costumes, my friend's baby shower, and getting prepped for the holidays to come. It's been a fun time and it's helping me get in the spirit - even if sometimes all the work gets me a tad overwhelmed.  'Tis the season!

We found this wagon at Goodwill last Friday when I was looking for Halloween costumes for Gabe. It was only $3. How could I say no? Now I'm curious about finding a bigger wagon I can pull both of them in.  It's been a hit around here.

We got some new boots for Mia. It was time for an upgrade.  Girl must know fashion because she was insistent on wearing them almost immediately.  These are from Target, available in dark brown and black. (pictured: dark brown)

My old roomies are both pregnant and would you know there are 3 babies in this picture? Yes, LP is having twins!! Both a boy and a girl. Andrea is due in March, expecting a little chica!

More babies!! My 2nd oldest brother and his wife Allison welcomed baby McKaber "Mack" last week. He is so cute, although we need to visit him again really soon.  He was only hours old in this picture.  Can't believe Gabe is just about a year older than his cousin...it won't be very long till hopefully he and Mack are palling around!

In other news, Gabe's birthday and party are this Saturday!  Once he is officially 1, I think it will feel a little strange to think of him no longer as a baby - but he is still a baby to me!  I am starting to see some toddler behavior break through though - little outbursts here or there when he doesn't get what he wants, a little back-arching, and wanting to be on the move all the time.  It used to be when we shopped, Mia was the tricky one to handle and Gabe would just lay in his carseat or calmly sat in the infant seat.  Now, he is squirming to get out and Mia is telling me what she thinks looks good or what she wants. Jr. Shopper & Jr. Mover.  That's what we have going on right now.  Shopping trips may need to be reevaluated in the future and Gabe might be riding in the babyhawk lest he finagle his way out of the straps in the cart and topple out! :-O  
Or, I just might not go shopping ever anymore.  Probably the best solution for all of us.  ;)

My experiences with a birth doula...

Recently, I was asked to provide a reference for the birth doula I used for both Mia and Gabe. Partly for my own benefit (I love to write and chronicle events), and partly for my brain's benefit so I could reduce my experiences down into an actual reference letter, I spit out the story of how I met my doula (most likely will be released as a sitcom, sometime...never).  You can read all about it...here (editor's note, because it spans about 3 year's time, 'tis a tad lengthy):

Just a little biographical history first...
In early winter 2008, I went with my friend in nursing school to a special screening of “The Business of Being Born” at USF.  I went with her out of simple curiosity. I wasn’t pregnant nor was I expecting to be anytime soon, and I was not particularly opinionated about it. However, while watching the film, I began to realize how amazing and powerful giving birth could be, if surrounded by the right people and in the right environment. Then and there, I decided that whenever it might be my time to bring life into the world, I would do what I could to have it be as peaceful and empowering as I saw it could be.
After the screening, there was a panel discussion with OBs, nurses, midwives and doulas. I remember listening to one of the doula groups there and thinking, “If I ever got pregnant, I think I’d want her to be my doula.”  It was a woman with a mild Southern accent and fierce blue eyes.  i just preserved these thoughts until the time came...

Little did I know, about 8 months later I’d be finding out I was pregnant and expecting our first child.  After switching from a regular OB/GYN office to a local birth center, I began educating myself even more on how to best succeed at natural childbirth, particularly as a first-timer.  I saw handouts in the lobby at the birth center about doulas, so one day at an appointment, I asked the midwife whom she recommended, and she referred me to Touched by an Angel. It was her immediate response and so I called the number on the brochure, got in touch with Stefany (the “other” Stefany who owned TBA at the time), and within days, she and Stephanie were at my door, ready to meet me and my husband, go over any questions we had, and share with us their practice, plans and procedures.

As soon as I opened the door to the two Stephanies, I realized these were the exact women I had observed only a year earlier at the screening of the Business of Being Born. It could not have been more providential, I thought!  And the Stephanie with the Southern accent was the doula I was going to be using, after my husband and I confirmed we did want to work with them. Thus, our working relationship began.

My experience with Stephanie was and has been tremendous. I relied on her for the rest of my pregnancy in answering lots of questions I had, preparing myself for childbirth, and utilizing her knowledge of natural medicine to combat some of the late-term pregnancy issues I encountered: high blood pressure, leg cramps, dizziness, etc.  She assisted myself and my husband greatly one night as I thought I was preeclamptic. She stayed calm and directed us to go straight to the hospital, where we were checked out, and thankfully determined to not be preeclamptic.  She was with us each step of the way and seemingly always available via text or a phone call.  I still doubted myself quite a bit in the beginning as a first time mom; I questioned my ability to be able to birth naturally, but Stephanie never questioned it.  It was like she knew I’d be able to do it, but she also knew and gently reminded me that should things change, it was all within the realm of “we can handle this, and that will be okay.” There was never any shame or insistence that to deviate from our preferred plan meant failing.  It was a great balance between having a calm, confident assurance while also staying flexible to the ever-changing needs during pregnancy, labor & delivery.
When it came to the real labor day, Stephanie was a real asset to both me and my husband.  Once we realized things were actually happening, she came over to our house and observed me for a while, much of the time interacting with my husband to get a sense of how I’d been doing and what he had seen -- this was a big help for him as well as he had obviously never attended a birth. She helped us determine when it was time to get to the birth center and followed us there. While there, she remained a calm, gentle but assertive presence, ever determined to help me get my labor in the right direction. We spent hours walking, squatting, hovering over a toilet, in the bathtub (the last two, of course, I did by myself!), working together, with my husband as well, to get my baby ready for her debut.  She watched my physical cues and also knew when I needed to eat, drink, or take a breather.  

When it was finally time to push, both my husband and I were a little overwhelmed at the realization our baby girl was about to enter the world.  Because we were at the birth center, she was able to provide us with different tinctures and natural remedies to help us handle all the emotions that can accompany labor. She gave me Skull Cap, and him Rescue Remedy (I believe) to help him handle the emotional stress so that he could help me get through the pushing.
Within minutes, our baby girl was born, and she was there to help us with latching and all the components that follow after a delivery.  Her job was not over yet.  Far from it.

There were some unique things about our birth that required extra attention--things you can never predict. Our baby was born at a very low birth weight--unfortunately too low for the birth center to allow us to go straight home with our baby. She had to be seen by a doctor that very night, so we had no choice but to take her to the hospital.  She and the midwife helped us work with a hospital to figure out where to take her, and she kept in touch with us throughout the night as we were there at the hospital.  Since she was so small, she made recommendations as to what to do to help her eat and feed, and she came over the next day to help me with latching.  It took a few days but eventually, everything was ruled out for our baby girl and we were able to take her home and start our new lives as parents.  

Technically, you are given as much emotional and physical support as you need from your doula, during your pregnancy, delivery, and the first 6 weeks after.  
I found her support to be much more lasting than that.  

Again, unexpectedly, two weeks after our child was born, I found my leg to be in a lot of pain.  I had also been dealing with back-to-back rounds of mastitis. I really was pretty miserable and feeling pretty guilty over my postpartum situation. A low birth weight baby, breastfeeding problems on top of infections, and now my leg hurt so bad I couldn’t walk very well. I desperately wanted things to get figured out and be okay. I told Stephanie what I was experiencing and she encouraged me to get checked out soon by the midwives. Based on what my chiropractor had said there was suspicion I had a blood clot, but I didn’t really understand what it all meant at the time.  The midwives surmised this as well, and within hours, I had an ultrasound on my leg, which confirmed a deep vein thrombosis.  This was utterly surprising as my only “risk factor” was the fact that I had been pregnant. I did not meet other typical characteristics of those who had blood clots. However, Stephanie has special experience in this area, because she herself has a blood disorder (APS) and she knew all the precautions I needed to take. After that experience, which I sought medical treatment for, I consulted with Stephanie on all the things I should take to build my immune system and naturally thin out my blood. She was a warehouse of knowledge I wouldn’t have had access to if it weren’t for the fact that she had been my doula.
Because of her, I feel like I was able to turn my health around I began to rely more and more on her for treatments to even everyday issues like stomachaches, baby fevers, and diet consultation.  It was truly a lifesaver.  

Without a doubt I knew if we got pregnant again, I’d be calling Stephanie.  And so we did.

Our second time around, we knew we would be in the hospital because of my history with a blood clot.  I was even more jazzed about using Stephanie because I knew she had an arsenal of experience in hospital settings and had even more knowledge now because of her nursing training.  She had also completed a course in Kangaroo Kare, which helps mom and baby bond immediately after birth, thus improving breastfeeding success rates.  This was highly important to me as I really struggled with this the first time around.  

Throughout my pregnancy, I regularly texted with Stephanie about my dr’s appointments, the various doctors I’d met with, my medication regime, any ongoing issues I was experiencing, like nausea, heartburn or the like, and she was always available to chat with me or give me suggestions. We’d really built a good relationship by this point in time.  
We met with her again to discuss our birth plan, go over our remaining questions (and since we were having a hospital birth, we still had a lot!) and talk about how we anticipated the “birthday” to go.  

Before we knew it, it was go-time. I had kept Stephanie in the loop, so she knew that there was a possibility I could deliver early, and sure enough, I did.  
As I started my labor, I let her know what was happening, and just like she had done before, she came over to observe me and it didn’t take long for her to know that it was time to make our way to the hospital. She rubbed a special labor oil on my belly before we left and then followed us in her car and was ready to meet us at TGH.
Her familiarity with the hospital and its staff made a big difference as she was able to advise us on what to do and how to handle things, and their familiarity with her allayed any fears I had about bringing a doula to the hospital.

Things went just as smoothly as they had before, even with my inexperience with the hospital birthing system.  The great thing about Stephanie is she keeps her cool and remains calm no matter what. Once we were past triage, Stephanie helped me figure out how to get back into what I call the “labor zone.”  She suggested getting into the labor tub in our hospital bathroom, dimmed the lights and even provided soothing birthing music, which eased my transition back into focusing on labor. For the next few hours, she and my husband just provided emotional and some physical support as I moved around in the tub, sat on the toilet, and waited for the doctor to check me again.  Although I don’t remember this, she told me later she reapplied labor oil to my belly again during the middle of my labor.

While your body sort of takes control in labor, it is nice to have someone there as a guide or source of knowledge for comfort and reassurance.  When the doctor came in later, he checked me and said my bag of waters was still intact and I was 8cm dilated, but fully effaced.  He gave me two options: break my bag of waters and labor would probably speed up right away, or let it break on its own, and wade through labor possibly a couple hours longer.  I asked him for a minute to consult with Stephanie and my husband, and discussed the pros & cons with her.  Having her there for a reality check and a quick discussion (is this risky? is this okay?) helped me confidently make the decision to have my waters broken.

Within minutes, I was ready to push. And minutes after that, my baby was born! It was an incredible experience and I was so delighted to have succeeded again in a natural delivery with minimal intervention.  She helped me and my husband get ready for and excited about delivering again, she was a positive force in the labor and delivery room as we worked through distractions and needed energy and focus during the pushing, and she guarded me and my new baby “like a hawk,” to ensure that bonding and breastfeeding was able to happen smoothly after delivery.
I held my baby for at least an hour after he was born, and delayed the newborn bath and assessment. I wanted to get to know him as much as possible and improve our chances at breastfeeding success as much as possible, and Stephanie’s assistance with that made a strong impact.  Latching on is a little difficult for my babies at first, but it eventually happened and I’m thankful to report he is a great breastfeeder at 6 months. 

Once again, I was thankful for her presence and assistance.  She checked in on us at home days later to see how everything was going, and this time they were going even better than they were with our first baby.
I still rely on her for various tips, homeopathic remedies, and natural healthcare consultation (all via text)! I love that we have formed a relationship that now spans over 3 years and has helped me grow as a mother.  If you’re looking for someone that knows the ins and outs of the medical system, hospitals, has attended numerous births of all kinds (home, birth center, hospital, cesareans), and is a reliable, dependable, punctual and extremely knowledgeable resource, then I wholeheartedly recommend Stephanie as your doula!

Growing into The Mommy Life

A couple of weeks ago I ran into a former acquaintance from FC and while we were talking, she paused and asked me, "So, tell me, do you love being a mom?" and for the first time in a while I didn't hesitate to say, "Yes, I do!" I still have problems admitting that at times; there's an internal fight with the Megan of yesteryear and the Megan that I am today.  You see, it wasn't so long ago I didn't think mothering would be in the cards for me...

When I look back at my youth, I sometimes think I thought too much and I thought about all the things moms "have" to do, and to be honest, I looked at my own mom's life and thought, "Wow, everyday, it's the same thing." Not that my mom didn't do it joyfully, because to be honest, I never really saw her complain.  But it was up in the morning, getting the kids going, cleaning up the kitchen, doing laundry, paying bills, running errands, shuffling kids (I guess since we were all spaced out it wasn't always all 4 of us at once!), making dinner, cleaning the kitchen again and if she was lucky, sitting down for a minute.  As a feeble-minded youth, I just didn't see the fun in it.  And of course, I was selfish. More of self, and less of Thee.  I was immature.

And then (I know I talk about it frequently but to blog is semi-therapeutic and I'm constantly reevaluating this, since it's been the biggest catalyst in my life for change), after I realized there are a few good men out there--aside from family members and good-friends-who-were-boys that I just couldn't fathom settling down with--and Providence landed me with Greg, I figured we had a few more years before the childbearing began.  Hahahahahahaha.  God really laughed at that plan, just as he laughed at my plan to finish my grad school internship right after we got married so that we would only be a single-income family for about one college semester.  Looking back I figured there was a purpose for that setback, to not be in school full-time, or not be interning, or not be earning any real money.  I didn't know when I'd realize it or when I'd figure it out and I still don't know if I fully understand it all, but it taught me one thing.  My timing isn't always God's timing, even if it stinks.
Of course, when I did finally graduate, and got a job, and then almost immediately got pregnant, I think I really felt out-of-control.  The best laid plans oft go awry.  Could that not be a life statement for most of us??

When we lose our locus-of-control, often our "happiness" or internal contentment diminishes.  And this is what I think about often.  I didn't immediately enjoy motherhood because I wasn't prepared for it. I didn't think it was in the cards in the short-term future.  I was not in control.  I was not willing to accept what I thought I'd be giving up.  And do you know how hard that is to admit?  Aren't young Christian women supposed to yearn for the call of motherhood? Is it considered selfish to not desire that role instinctively or immediately?  Well at least for me, those instincts hadn't kicked on just yet.  It had nothing to do with my own mom or other mothers around me, yet I felt guilty for feeling that way, like I was offending their being.  Before we got married and talked about kids, I figured the desire to be a mom would grow the longer we were married.

And in the middle of all that, Mia was born, and her birth was great, really really great.  There's not a single thing I would change about that.  When I reflect on it, it was such a serene, peaceful and beautiful day when my world was literally rocked.  The day I became a mother.
But I can't change what all happened after that.  It was rough. Really really rough.  And having Gabe's birth experience and the days thereafter to compare with Mia's, I realize just how different things could have been, but weren't. I realize now why I wasn't immediately happy as a new mom.  I unfortunately had some lingering baby blues.  So, when you're asked that infamous question, "Don't you loooove being a mom?", I almost resented it.  How could you ask me that??  It hurt.  She's small. I feel guilty.  I can't figure out this breastfeeding thing. I feel guilty. I keep getting sick. Why won't I get better? And I have a blood clot. What's wrong with me?  Pounding. Pounding. Pounding.

It gave me little chance to bond with a tiny, precious baby girl who is growing up into a delightful, strong child.  And I just didn't know how to be.
Finally, though, I got back some sense of control.  I found some purpose and I found some structure.  I found a community, and God gave me a group of people with whom I could work along side and feel productive. I felt useful, even if I was in a totally different role than I'd planned.  And to this day, it is still a little embarrassing to admit all those feelings that I had, but as a former counselor, I know you need to honor those feelings, or at least let them pass through, many times in order to move on.  You don't have to act on the feelings and actually BE selfish toward your child, or drop your responsibilities and walk away, but you can acknowledge them, have your peace, and move on.  And that's what I'm doing. Which is why I think I am enjoying the mommy life.  It is the toughest, highest calling I've ever known.  But these two munchkins are my arrows that will eventually be getting ready to launch, and just as God does a work in me, I have a work to do in them.

Let me do right by them. 

Gabe's Birth Story, Part II

If you missed Part I of Gabe's Birth Story, click here.

[Disclaimer: If you're a dude, one of my brothers, or generally uninterested in the minute details of a woman's real, live, all-natural birth, then you may want to skip this one!  All you need to know is posted at the end of this story (which means you'll have to skim through it and see totally safe pictures anyway). /End disclaimer.]

So, where did we leave off last?  Oh yes, that's right...we were beginning the drive down to TGH.

Since it was midday, traffic was slim to nil and we cruised down the interstate and took the Crosstown to get on over to the hospital. Dealing with contractions in the car is never fun, but it's part of the ballgame so I just rolled with it as much as I could.  As soon as we got to the hospital and began the valet parking experience, I started contracting again. I'm sure the valet men see it all the time: women trying to exit their cars only to find themselves stalled in an unusual standing position, working through a contraction.  Yes, that was me.

The next little bit was sort of a blur to me, as I just wanted to get all the business of triage behind me and focus on the rest of my labor, but I was taken by wheelchair to triage, with Greg and Stephanie, our doula, aside us, where we began the triage process. A nurse came in and checked me and said I was between 4-5 cm and almost completely effaced (was it 75%?).  On my chart she put a 5 and they admitted me.  We were able to get a room with a birth tub, which also happened to be overlooking the bay and as far as labor and delivery rooms go, it was pretty nice! Very scenic.  Not that I spent much time looking over the waters and considering the deep abyss that lies below, though.
Once we were admitted in the room, the doctor for the day stopped by and shared his greetings and went over the plan: I would labor for a few hours and then he would come check me again and see how things were progressing.  And if they weren't progressing, we'd talk about what to do next.  That little addition at the end was slightly worrisome as I didn't want to consider that there could possibly be any other options than this baby exiting my body the way nature intends but I didn't really let my mind go there. I just said okay and worked through more contractions.  For some reason unbeknownst to me, while we were in our room, a couple of nurses had to go through this laundry list of questions that were really irksome to me to have to answer.  Why these questions, why now?? Fortunately, Greg answered most of them and I just tried to get as comfy as I could while I waited for them to leave.
While they were wrapping up, my doula rubbed some labor oil and another aromatherapy blend on my belly (which she also had done before we left the house, and did a couple more times during labor) asked if I was ready to get into the birth tub. That sounded really good right about then, so I said yes and Greg, Stephanie and I made our way into the bathroom (sounds funny in retrospect) and with a little assistance I got into the tub.

Ahhhh....immediate relaxation.  Well, as much as one can relax in labor.  Something about laboring in water is quite soothing and chillaxing, and by that point (the rush of the morning, getting to the hospital, being triaged, being asked silly questions), I was ready for things to calm down a bit. Sometimes getting in the tub stalls labor for some women; I learned that at the birth center, but I was okay with a little stalling if I meant I could have some time to breathe and get a grip on things again.
I spent a good while in the tub--at least an hour--working and breathing through contractions, and telling myself to let the baby down and out when I was working through a tough one. I tried to visualize each contraction doing something purposeful--moving the baby down--so that I wouldn't fight it.  My doula played some music on her phone (New Age Essentials on Pandora if you're looking for some good birthin' music!) and turned off the lights so that it was very peaceful.  She and Greg just kind of observed while this happened and were there to provide support or chat with if I felt like it. But I can tell you from 2 birth experiences now, I rarely feel like chatting during labor!

There came a point when I felt it was time to get out, so I got out of the tub and sat on the toilet -- almost the exact same sequence I had in Mia's labor -- for a while to see how things felt out of the water.  And it was more intense.  I sat there for a few minutes until I heard that the doctor would be coming back in soon to check on me.  I couldn't believe it had already been a few hours, but it was and I gradually made my way out of the bathroom and to the bed. I must pause here and say my nurse was amazing. She stayed totally out of the way, and when she needed to check the baby on the monitor every so often, she wheeled the machine as close to the bathroom door as possible and strung out the cord as much as it would stretch so she could place it on my abdomen without my having to move hardly an inch!  She was very accommodating.  I also only had a heplock on my arm so that I could move around without being attached to a pole--that was all by request, too.

I was waiting for the doctor to come in and my contractions felt less and less tolerable.  I was getting antsy and kind of annoyed he wasn't there yet.  I thought he was coming; I got out of the bathroom and out of my zone to be checked and here I am uncomfortable just waiting on this bed!! Where's he at?


Finally he arrived, checked me, and said I was at 8cm.  Eight centimeters? Only eight? To be honest I was a little disappointed. For all that time I had spent laboring and knowing my labor with Mia lasted about 12 hours total, I was fully expecting this show to almost be done.  He said my bag of waters was still intact and at this point there were 2 options: break my bag of waters and we'd probably see a faster arrival of the baby, or wait it out and let my body do it on its own, which would probably take longer.

I asked him if we could briefly discuss it, so I spoke with Greg and my doula and I told them, "I'm ready for this to be over; maybe we should just break it?" and my doula agreed that at this point, it wasn't as risky an intervention, as normally I would not necessarily accept an artificial rupture of the membranes (to learn more, read here). In my case, since we were so close to the end, it can help speed dilation. We called him back in and said we would break it, so he scrubbed up and got the items he needed to do that and it broke. Being graphic here--it felt like a really really warm gush of water flowing out of me, almost a relief, followed by a very strong, intense and mighty contraction.  That contraction about sent me over the edge and I was ready to jump out of my own body and off that delivery table.  I felt that little baby's body come down strong and I felt an urge.  My nurse checked me after the next contraction and said I was fully dilated and complete and she called the doctor back in.  He had originally come in the room just after 4:30, broken my bag of waters some minutes after that, and was supposed to be off-shift at 5pm, but when he heard that I was complete and ready to push he came back in, got his delivery scrubs on, moved the bed a bit, changed the lighting, and called the newborn baby nurse.  This is when things got REAL and I was still in shock that this was really happening.

I remember Greg and Stephanie looking at me excitedly.  "This is it! We're about to push this baby out and meet him!" I'm sure that's what their faces meant.  In my head though, I was still thinking, How are we gonna do this? Do I remember how to do this? What if I have one of those agonizingly long pushing phases that lasts hours upon hours? Dare I say I watched a few too many birth shows this time around and despite pushing Mia out in probably 30 minutes, I just did not know if I would be so lucky this time.  The nurse and my doula helped me get my legs into position, and Greg was back by my head encouraging me through the process.
I will say that at the first pushing contraction, I pushed like a newbie. I'm embarrassed to say I screamed a bit and my nurse had to lovingly get in my face and tell me not to scream and that I needed to use my legs more for leverage and focus on where I was putting my energy in pushing so that it was most effective.

During the next contraction or two I started to figure it out and pushed as much as I could using all the coaching I was getting. I was following my own body's cues as well as the feedback from the whole delivery team.  Let me just tell you it is hard to push a baby out!  Our bodies were designed to do this, I truly believe, but getting the baby through that birth canal ain't necessarily always an easy business.  Once I started focusing on the task at hand, the process really worked itself out.  I'm still amazed at how short a time it took for the baby to work his way down and out.  With lots of excitement and positive feedback from the nurse, our doula, and Greg, after another contraction he was crowning, and by the next contraction he slithered his way out and was HERE!  All in all, it probably only took 10-15 minutes with probably 4 pushing contractions for Gabe to be born. I was
lucky
blessed!

They immediately placed the baby (who had to be named) on my abdomen with a towel and we gently scrubbed him off a little while he lay there. He was very calm and content as much as I can remember, and all I felt after he was born was this feeling of sheer relief and shock--much as I did with Mia--that this labor was OVER!  I was so thankful and Greg said I kept on saying, "Thank goodness, thank goodness, thank goodness!" as soon as he was delivered.  It's incredible how you go from one extreme while you're pushing (please let us be done with this business soon!) to incredible joy and pride as soon as the baby arrives.

first moments with mommy

happily posing with our newest addition

If you're a male reading this and get queasy easily then skip this paragraph...the placenta very quickly was delivered after that, and was a healthy red color, much different than Mia's.  What a relief to see it in such better condition and not to have to stand up and squat to deliver it like I did with Mia. Not fun!

The medical team really respected our wishes that the baby and I be skin-to-skin for the first hour, and let us bond and just chill while he and I were both checked out post-delivery.  I finally got a good look at him after the doctor left and realized he looked like a Gabe to me, which is the name we were both leaning towards the entire pregnancy.  Greg agreed and so we chose the name Gabriel Charles.  Gabriel is a Hebrew name, which means "God is my strength," and is the angel in the bible who told Mary she would be Jesus' earthly mother.  Charles is Greg's middle name and his maternal grandfather's name.  So, like Mia, Gabe has a family name, a biblical name, and his initials match Greg's like Mia's match mine!

hat crocheted by our doula

just after his newborn assessment

After the first hour, Gabe was given his newborn bath and assessment and we found out he was 6 pounds, 2.5 ounces and 19 inches long.  I was pretty jazzed to have broken the 6 pound mark, which was my "goal" this time around.  For the next little bit, we just hung out as a family and waited for Mia to arrive with Aunt Allison and Aunt Amanda, and Gabe just cuddled up with his while he was swaddled.

first family of 4 photo

About two hours later, we were transferred to our recovery room in a different area of the hospital and got to hang out as a whole family for a while before Mia went back home with Aunt Allison.

She quickly got accustomed to him, even though in this picture she clearly seems more interested in the Burt's Bees chapstick than she is of her little brother.  Right away she was trying to share items with him and she wanted to see his hands and his feet.  It didn't take her long at all to assume the big sister role.  

To "evaluate" the hospital birth as compared to the birth center birth, Greg and I were really pleased.  Our entire medical staff was very accommodating and respectful of our wishes. Our nurse was jazzed we were going all-natural.  There were never any tense heated moments or disagreements about our intentions or our wishes.  Everything was respected, even letting the cord pulse a little bit longer than may be usual before it was clamped and cut.  I later found out Greg accidentally left the birth plan in the car (oops!!) so he had whispered all our requests and preferences to the nurse during that "annoying" question and answer period when we first taken to the delivery room.  

I can safely say as much as we were able, we almost had a birth-center like birth at the hospital.  There are a few things that are impossible to compare, like the clinical nature of the hospital to the home-like nature of the birth center, or working with a midwife versus a doctor, but as far my actual labor & delivery experiences goes, I felt respected, heard and validated.  Which makes it sound like it's all about me, but I know from enough research, women can have feelings that linger for years regarding the birth experience they didn't get.  All of that was important to me, and for my feelings about my baby, and I'm very thankful our prayers were answered.  

So really, if you made it this far, or if you're just skimming the story, all you really need to know is, thanks to God, Gabriel was delivered safe and sound. Sigh.Of.Relief!

Gabe's birth story, part I

Waiting for [Gabe] was like knowing something was coming but being in denial it could happen at any minute. While I told myself, this could be it, he could be here before we know it, the day he arrived I was still in some shock until it was really happening.

I had lunch with two of my best gal pals earlier in the week (the first week of November, that is, right after Halloween), and discussed how his arrival would ideally come after the first weekend of November. {Ah, the best laid plans o' mice and men, oft go astray!!} Many of my friends were speaking at a ladies event at our church that Saturday (the 5th), and my parents had some important plans that first weekend that I didn't want them to feel torn about if I had Gabe before the 6th.  However, things started getting into motion long before the 6th...

On the eve of his arrival, I was at our church's Wednesday night bible study along with the rest of our tiny family of 3, feeling a little rushed and out of breath as I usually am after the mad dash it takes to get everyone to church.  My belly was tightening a little bit in class and I figured it was just Braxton Hicks from all the movement it took to get there. I even jokingly told someone my water might break there and it'd be sort of awkward having this stream of liquid go down my pants (I am one for poise & grace regarding delicate matters, that's for sure!)  Awk-ward!  After class was over I was speaking with some of my dear birthing friends, Juline & Jenny B. I asked Juline, who is a birth assistant at the birth center where Mia was born, to feel my belly.  Did she feel like it meant anything? She wasn't sure but we were all just having fun discussing the possibility of imminent labor and all that.  I had only started taking 5-W, an herbal supplement, earlier in the week. 5-W (which stands for 5 weeks) is an herbal blend that supplies nutrients supportive to the female glandular and reproductive systems and should be taken during the last five weeks of pregnancy.  It's supposed to strengthen the uterus to make labor & delivery easier.  I was not taking Evening Primrose Oil or any other late-term pregnancy supplements as some of them were contraindicated with my blood thinner.  I had also taken 5-W with Mia the last couple of weeks and looking back I believe it helped.  It is supposed to even shorten pushing time.


Regardless, we all went home that night and got settled into bed assuming the following day would be busy with continuing the food prep I had begun the day before (see this post).  As I slept that night, I awoke a few times noting some low pressure in my abdomen, like he was pushing down on my cervix.  I assumed it just meant he was dropping even more, getting further into the birth canal. I did not necessarily think it meant delivery was soon.


However, when I woke up that morning, things started to feel different. Mia was acting much more differently around me, really wanting my attention and wanting Mommy to play with her. I had skipped my normal breakfast items to instead play with her and try to be "present," only to find myself distracted by what was going on with my own body. What was I feeling? Were these waves of pressure the real deal? Were contractions settling in??


Meanwhile, Greg was getting ready for work and we were discussing what was going on, and I started noting to him that I was having a harder time staying focused. But within a span of probably 10 minutes, we went from saying, "Go ahead, go to work," to "Why don't you stay home and sign-in online here, just in case?" to "Let's call Brian & Amanda, we need to get a little day & overnight bag packed for Mia!"
I downloaded Contraction Master on my iPhone and started timing these "waves" (a hypnobirthing term, which felt appropriate at the time as they were only waves and quite tolerable).  I texted my doula, Stephanie, who happened to have a totally free day ahead of her and was quite enthusiastic about the prospect of assisting me through another birth that day.  I was still dubious that this was it, but at the same time my body was telling me things were getting underway.


I still hadn't eaten breakfast and was hardly interested in it as I was slightly fearful of throwing anything up, as I did in Mia's labor, but I was glad I had made some homemade stock the day before that was still warm in the crockpot--that at least seemed to sound soothing to my stomach. I started sipping on that while Greg got Mia ready to go over to cousin Braden's and I unloaded the dishwasher.  Yes, I did very silly things while in early labor.  I unloaded the dishwasher and tried to clean up some of the kitchen.  I called my mom (not silly), to let her know what was going on, and I took a call from Monica--I think we were talking about her pregnancy weight gain (ha!) and I told her I thought things were happening.  I even had a contraction while on the phone, and the dear that she is told me to breathe :).  I sat on the birth ball during these waves and tried to relax through and sway through them, but I could tell they were speeding up and increasing in intensity.  I wanted and felt that I needed to take a shower, so while Greg was out dropping off Mia (and quickly running through Target as we needed some last minute hospital items!), I took a shower, did my hair and even put on some makeup.  Who knew if it would last but when I went into labor with Mia, I was not prepared in that sense.  I just wanted to feel presentable (somehow knowing I had done something with myself that day gave me the feeling that I was "in control") and have one good last shower before I was in a hospital for who knows how long.  By that point in time, our doula was almost to our house and when she arrived and Greg had gotten back, it didn't take too long for her to watch me to decide we should go ahead and get to the hospital.  


I texted Lindsay to ask her to come over after we left to deal with all the soaked beans, lentils and quinoa I had sitting out, and to store the remaining chicken stock.  And to also fold my laundry.  Let's just pause here for a minute and say I have some good friends who would come over and do such a thing for me.  Like I said, I really didn't think labor would be that day!  (In an ideal world you go into labor with your house spotless, your clothes clean, folded and put away, and your freezer already stocked with all the meals you intended to make!...and your printer already loaded with paper and your birth plan printed out.)


While we were about to head out the door, Stephanie put some more broth for me in some containers so I'd be able to sip on it at the hospital, and we grabbed our bag and our birth plan, which was just printed out that morning, and started the crazy journey to Tampa General Hospital...

The very beautiful Tampa General Hospital, on Davis Island

To be continued...

Making a list & checking it twice

Spaghetti Noodle Brain: have you heard of it?

Girls have spaghetti noodle brains and guys have waffle brains.  For girls, everything's connected like a piece of spaghetti. For guys, each thing has its own separate compartment, much like a waffle. And never think for a guy that each box in the waffle is full of thoughts, because it's not!

I definitely have spaghetti noodle brain.  This is related to that, which is related to this, which means I need to do this, which means...AHH!! I'm going crazy. I have an iPhone, which often helps me with spaghetti noodle brain (I can "quickly" look something up if I'm forgetful at the store), and I also have a pen & paper at home so I can jot something down real quick if I need to. I'm a visual-verbal-kinetic person, so to remember the sensation of writing something down and then reading it really helps me stay on track.

So, now that you've taken a quick walk inside how some of my brain works, I say all that to say, I'm finally doing my freezer meal planning. Probably about 2 weeks too late, but hey, better late then never, right?

The Freezer Meal Plan

Currently I have 3 "grains/legumes" soaking: black beans, quinoa and lentils.  (In case you need a quick primer on how to soak said food items, check out Healing Naturally by Bee's cheat-sheet!)  I loved everyone's suggestions from the freezer meal suggestion post and am incorporating the recipes I already know first, and in time I think I might try yours as well.  So far a lot of my planned freezer meals are soups.  With winter coming often comes depressed immunity, so maybe I'm just psychic and am hoping my soups made with homemade broth will keep us on the up & up.  Because I'm pretty sure my sleeping won't :-\

Here's my plan, should the Lord will me to see that these recipes actually meet their fruition before bambino's born!

• Chicken Quinoa Stew
• Hamburger Barley Soup
• Black Bean Soup using "Sofrito"
• Lentil Soup
• Chicken Enchiladas (probably this recipe)

Last weekend, I already froze what we didn't eat of Wellness Mama's 5 ingredient Crockpot Chili - bean free, which was was super easy and tasty.

I'm also planning to soak great northern beans so I'll have beans ready for our White Chili recipe, and in my crockpot right now are chicken bones simmering so I'll have some more chicken stock to use in all these said recipes! (My freezer stash of chicken stock is quickly depleting).  

If I can be so productive tomorrow, I'm hoping to knock out maybe 2-3 of these recipes or at least get them started.  I accidentally picked up parsley instead of cilantro at the store so I won't be able to completely put together my sofrito just yet, but I can go ahead and chop the other veggies.  We ate that black bean soup with the sofrito last winter and it was really yummy!  Goes well with some kind of crunchy gluten free bread :D

-----

And speaking of the bambino, here's what I didn't tell you a couple of weeks ago, because it clearly meant NOTHING.

The Crazy Doctor's Appointment which nearly sent me into hysterics

I had my 35 week appointment 3 weeks ago and I had the Group Beta Strep test. This is a pretty important test because you are cultured to see if you are a carrier of GBS. If you are positive, the hospital protocol is to administer IV antibiotics during labor so hopefully you won't pass it onto your baby. Being a carrier does not necessarily mean you will pass it on to your baby or that he/she will get GBS, but it can be pretty serious if the baby gets it.  Fortunately, I passed my GBS test and was negative! I feel like I've had enough with antibiotics during my life so if I can avoid it one more time I'm quite happy. Well, while I was being tested for GBS, my doctor did an internal exam (um, hello! only 35 wks! -- was a little surprised to be honest) and told me I was already dilated about 2 cm, 50% effaced, and the baby was at the -1 station.  Her reaction really freaked me out.  She thought I would likely have the baby within the next 1-2 weeks.  As I said, I was only 35 weeks. Which meant at most, in her mind, I'd make it to 37 weeks. She then added, "Of course you could make it to your due date and then you'd be frustrated with me."

Well here I am, sitting on my heiny in my home, blogging, at 38 weeks.  And I'm not in labor.  And I have no idea how dilated I am at this point, or when the baby is coming.  But the doctor really sent us into freakout mode for a while, which was good because things needed to get done, but may have been a bit preemptive.  With Mia I never thought I would go early (and I hardly did, she was born within her 40th week).  I say it was preemptive because at 38 weeks, knowing I could totally go 2 more weeks and be just fine, I wake up every day and think, could this be it? Surely, I hope not, because I do not feel ready (must.stock.my.freezer)! And then again, other days I'm ready to get this show on the road!

The truth about labor ... and the bambino

I know, just as well as from hearing it with Mia, and from saying it to others, the baby will come when he is ready.  My chiropractor once told me some hormone between mom and baby sync up when labor is ready to start and before then there's not much you can do about it. So, I need to let things lie and just get on with my business.  The only reason I'd want him to come earlier is for health reasons, which is an entirely different subject---

This guy's growth is slowing down (he's still growing but no longer in the middle of his peer group with respect to weight), so we don't want him to fall too far down the percentile rankings.  Yet, all his other signs look good, including the amniotic fluid and his movements and breathing, heart rate, etc.  Maybe Greg & I just make small babies.  What more can we do?  I'm eating as much real food as I can stomach! ;)

Weekend Recap

And all of that to say, we had a great weekend and Halloween. Like another friend who is due any day (more so than I am), I'm glad we didn't have an October baby because it meant I got to experience one more fun weekend with Mia.  We took her to a horse farm way out in Oldsmar on Saturday and had a blast.  There was so much to do we literally couldn't do everything.  

They had plenty of farm animals to pet & feed, a hayride, "train rides," a pumpkin patch, hay to climb, pony rides, face painting, craft making, swings/playground, snakes, a tire swing...you name it, it was there.

A Zorse: offspring of a male zebra & female horse

And Mia was once again, Little Red Riding Hood for Halloween. But she figured out her costume this year, actually kept on the cape, and liked the hood.

getting ready for Kindermusik class

All prepped to "trick or treat!"

Cheesing with Braden in front of a totally decked out Halloween house

To tie this awfully long post back together, I'm still making lists, and still crossing off items. If I were to go into labor tonight, would I have everything ready? Not in my ideal world. We'd make do, though.  I'm 38 weeks, and this is Megan C., signing off.

Let's have a Nice November, shall we?